A sign of the times

Maybe it was bound to come. In a move which will nonetheless shock many, the Association of Preachers and Evangelists (A.P.E) announced a series of moves today intended to reflect our straitened circumstances:

  • From now on all biblical references will be removed to save on ink. Instead, readings will be given from the Combined Old and New version.
  • A new ‘sermon -lite’ will be available for those with faster download speeds, on a pay per pew basis.
  • Churches looking to raise extra revenue will now be able to sell subliminal advertising space in the sermon. This means that we can expect more sermons on BOLDness, the FRUIT of the Spirit, the need to FINISH the race, and the desire to make our sins VANISH.
  • Loyalty points will be awarded for those attending sermons regularly.These can be redeemed against pay per pew speedy downloads, or saved up for a ‘get-out-of-church-free’ card.

As if all this weren’t shocking enough, what worries many congregations is that their particular member of A.P.E has started reading Desmond Morris’ book. (Details here)